"Time" Project

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"Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Sun Jan 23, 2011 6:33 pm

Well here is my latest project. If you'll notice the Hyperlink in my SIG Layout, named "Time", click on that and give the Song a listen.

Preferably before you read this, as it will give you an idea of the overall feel/mood of it.

Keep in mind this isn't the full piece, I still need to write up a suitable ending.


------------------------------
‘This is the longest day of my life.’
He had thought those same words back when he first met her on that hot Summer day, when he proposed on that chilly Fall evening and when the day of their marriage came, but today was an entirely different, far more important event.
Today was the day his wife was due to give birth to their first child.
He could easily recall the night when she first found out she was pregnant. It was the night of Christmas Eve. The sheer happiness that painted her beautiful face and the tears that rimmed her expressive brown eyes as she uttered the words “I’m pregnant” were memories that were burned in the back of his mind. All of the countless mornings and late nights when he had to create the wild combinations of foods his beloved wife craved. He also vividly recalled the rare morning or two when his wife would be plagued with morning sickness.
All of those events felt like they had happened overnight as he reminisced about them now.
Sitting in the hospital waiting room, surrounded by his family, Abel looked up at the clock that hung above the main doorway. Seeing his movement, Andrew, he and Sitara’s father, leaned over to him, “That’s the tenth time you’ve looked at that clock.”
Pursing his lips together, Abel replied, “Well it’s bad enough they wouldn’t let me back to be with Sitara, but hasn’t it been long enough?”
Chuckling under his breath, Andrew calmly replied, “Childbirth is not a quick or easy thing son. You just have to be patient,”
“I know that,” Abel began, “it’s just I wanted to be there with her. I mean, this is our first child together-“ Just as he was about to finish his sentence, Abel looked up to see a familiar nurse come through the double-doors.
Leaping to his feet, and drawing the attention of each person in the waiting room, Abel closed the distance between he and the nurse quickly. As Abel rose, so did Andrew and his wife, Gwendolyn.
“What’s going on back there? Is everything alright?” Abel spout.
Putting up her hands to staunch the barrage of questions, the nurse answered, “Yes sir, in fact that’s why I’m out here. I can take you back to see your wife and newborn child now.”
A bright smile dashed across his face. Turning his head back quickly to look at his parents, Abel inquired, “Would it be alright if just the immediate family went back with me?”
“Is it just the three of you?” asked the nurse.
“Well, the three of us and,” raising his hand to point out two other family members, “them as well. They’re Sitara’s sisters.” Andrew stated.
“That’s fine,” the nurse said. Then she turned around and led the small troop out of the waiting room and into one of the main hallways.
The route to Sitara’s room seemed to drag on infinitely. Every door they passed was the same, at least it seemed this way to Abel, who was becoming more and more nervous with each step he took.
Finally, the nurse left them outside the room that housed Sitara and the newborn baby. Andrew and Gwendolyn entered without a moment’s hesitation. They had long waited for the day when they would be able to hold their newest grandchild. Evelyn, Sitara’s older sister, entered the room next.
Charlotte, Sitara’s twin, took two steps towards the door, but then stopped. She turned back to look at Abel, who was staring at the door as if it were a mountain.
“Abel? What’s wrong?”
“It’s just…” he began, “I don’t know if I’m ready, you know… to be a parent.”
Placing a hand on his shoulder, Charlotte used her other hand to gently turn Abel’s head so they were looking into each other’s eyes, “Don’t you say that. After knowing you for as long as I have and seeing the way you and Sitara act together, I know you two will make wonderful parents to that little angel.”
A half-hearted smile penetrated Abel’s distressed front.
“C’mon,” Charlotte started, “let’s go see your baby.”
Swallowing hard, Abel nodded. Charlotte turned and pushed the door open and held it that way so that Abel could walk through.
His feet felt like cinder blocks. Despite this, Abel willed them on.
As he entered the room, Abel felt as if the world around him was moving in slow motion. Andrew and Gwendolyn looked up at him, both pairs of eyes had given way to a flood of tears. Abel kept walking. Evelyn gave him the biggest smile he had ever seen from her.
Then Abel stopped dead in his tracks.
Lying in the hospital bed, in a position so she could sit up and clutch their newborn close to her body, was Sitara. Her wild brown hair framed her exhausted features. Her bangs were pasted against her forehead by the sweat that she had exerted during childbirth.
Sitara’s eyes connected with Abel’s and instantly a warm smile rippled across her weary face. Her lips parted and the meekest voice Abel had ever heard her use came forth, “Hi sweetheart.”
Abel, now being tormented with joy and sadness at the same time, moved so that he was at Sitara’s bedside. He took her free hand in his own. Abel wanted to say something, anything, but his mouth was like a castle’s gate. It refused to let any words out.
The entire room was quiet, except for the occasional soft noise from the baby.
Sitara gripped her husband’s hand tightly and said, “Say hello to our daughter.”
That sentence hit Abel like a heap of rocks. His eyes were instantly fighting back a fountain of tears. His voiced shook slightly as he replied, “We… we have a baby girl?”
Tears began streaming down Sitara’s face as she nodded back. Abel looked up for a moment and saw that Charlotte, Evelyn, Andrew and Gwendolyn had tears flowing down their faces as well.
He turned his gaze back to his beloved wife and then to his daughter.
Abel couldn’t believe how perfect she looked. His little girl was wrapped in a light pink blanket, provided by the hospital, and a small pink cap had been placed on her small skull to keep her head warm.
She shifted slightly in Sitara’s arms, as if her father’s gaze incited excitement inside her tiny form.
Abel moved his arms down towards his daughter. His hands slid underneath the swaddled figure and found the proper places to hold her securely. Slowly, but surely, Abel brought his child to rest against his chest.
------------------------------

I know this probably wasn't what you all were expecting from me, with my last Thread and all, but here it is.

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Mello on Sun Jan 23, 2011 7:05 pm

Yay for not being descriptive lol Razz excellent work as always deviss

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Hawk on Mon Jan 24, 2011 9:45 am

That was amazing.....very good expression of their emotional and thought processes.

YOu have my stamp of approval......(not that you require nor desire one)

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Mon Jan 24, 2011 10:58 am

Thank you Hawk, I appreciate it Smile After I finished the "Conviction" project, I knew I wanted to do something different and I was really into Time for a few weeks. So I just went with it.

I got some more of this typed last night, and earlier today but I know it's not close to being done yet Razz

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by foxrock66(Roadkill) on Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:12 am


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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Tue Jan 25, 2011 8:59 am

Haha, funny Pic Fox. Did you really read it or just skimmed it? Wink

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by foxrock66(Roadkill) on Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:13 am

More skimmed. I'll give critique soonish

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:24 am

Well I'll try and get the Final Version posted soon. I've done some good typing at night when I should be sleeping Razz

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by foxrock66(Roadkill) on Tue Jan 25, 2011 5:29 pm

"he and Sitara’s father"

Abel married his sister? Naughty.

“What’s going on back there? Is everything alright?” Abel spout.
SpoutED

That's all I caught. Overall I still say


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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Tue Jan 25, 2011 5:40 pm

foxrock66(Roadkill) wrote:"he and Sitara’s father"

Abel married his sister? Naughty.

Shush you. I had it "Andrew, Sitara's father, and now his," but I didn't want it to seem like they just got married.

Although... now that I think about it... I may have a way to straighten that out and put what I originally had in place of that.

Danke for the compliment Very Happy

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by foxrock66(Roadkill) on Tue Jan 25, 2011 6:22 pm

Or just "Abel's father-in-law"

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Tue Jan 25, 2011 6:25 pm

Yeah but at the time it felt so... generic Razz Meh.

I may end up going with that or with w/e reads and flows the best.

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Denjie on Tue Jan 25, 2011 8:08 pm

great story Dev, It was interesting to see how the emotions flowed together and drew you in.

OT: Could you guys check out my story? critique it and all that stuff. Smile

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by frang on Tue Jan 25, 2011 10:09 pm

I liked it. Nothing overt to bitch about. It's just the beginning of the story, isn't it? First chapter? I'll have more to say as the story plays out.

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Wed Jan 26, 2011 7:03 am

frang wrote:I liked it. Nothing overt to bitch about. It's just the beginning of the story, isn't it? First chapter? I'll have more to say as the story plays out.

Well I'm not quite sure about that. Now that I think of it that way, it could serve as an excellent beginning.

I sat down last night at around midnight and was able to get the ending of this typed out. Here's the Final Version:


-----------------------------
‘This is the longest day of my life.’
He had thought those same words back when he first met her on that hot Summer day, when he proposed on that chilly Fall evening and when the day of their marriage came, but today was an entirely different, far more important event.
Today was the day his wife was due to give birth to their first child.
He could easily recall the night when she first found out she was pregnant. It was the night of Christmas Eve. The sheer happiness that painted her beautiful face and the tears that rimmed her expressive brown eyes as she uttered the words “I’m pregnant” were memories that were burned in the back of his mind. All of the countless mornings and late nights when he had to create the wild combinations of foods his beloved wife craved. He also vividly recalled the rare morning or two when his wife would be plagued with morning sickness.
All of those events felt like they had happened overnight as he reminisced about them now.
Sitting in the hospital waiting room, surrounded by his family, Abel looked up at the clock that hung above the main doorway. Seeing his movement, Andrew, his father-in-law, leaned over to him, “That’s the fifth time you’ve looked at that clock.”
Pursing his lips together, Abel replied, “Well it’s bad enough they wouldn’t let me back to be with Sitara, but hasn’t it been long enough?”
Chuckling under his breath, Andrew calmly replied, “Childbirth is not a quick or easy thing son. You just have to be patient,”
“I know that,” Abel began, “it’s just I wanted to be there with her. I mean, this is our first child together and-“ Just as he was about to finish his sentence, Abel looked up to see a familiar nurse come through the double-doors.
Leaping to his feet, and drawing the attention of each person in the waiting room, Abel closed the distance between he and the nurse quickly. As Abel rose, so did Andrew and his wife, Gwendolyn.
“What’s going on back there? Is everything alright?” Abel spouted.
Putting up her hands to staunch the coming barrage of questions, the nurse answered, “Yes sir, in fact that’s why I’m out here. I can take you back to see your wife and newborn child now.”
A bright smile dashed across his face. Turning his head back quickly to look at his parents, Abel inquired, “Would it be alright if just the immediate family went back with me?”
“Is it just the three of you?” asked the nurse.
“Well, the three of us and,” raising his hand to point out two other family members, “them as well. They’re Sitara’s sisters.” Andrew stated.
“That’s fine,” the nurse said. Then she turned around and led the small troop out of the waiting room and into one of the main hallways.
The route to Sitara’s room seemed to drag on infinitely. Every door they passed was the same, at least it seemed this way to Abel, who was becoming more and more nervous with each step he took.
Finally, the nurse left them outside the room that housed Sitara and the newborn baby. Andrew and Gwendolyn entered without a moment’s hesitation. They had long waited for the day when they would be able to hold their newest grandchild. Evelyn, Sitara’s older sister, entered the room next.
Charlotte, Sitara’s twin, took two steps towards the door, and then stopped. She turned back to look at Abel, who was staring at the door as if it were a mountain.
“Abel? What’s wrong?”
“It’s just…” he began, “I don’t know if I’m ready, you know… to be a father.”
Placing one hand on his shoulder, Charlotte used her other hand to gently turn Abel’s head so they were looking into each other’s eyes, “Don’t you say that. After knowing you for as long as I have and seeing the way you and Sitara act together, I know you two will make wonderful parents to that little angel.”
A half-hearted smile penetrated Abel’s distressed front.
“C’mon,” Charlotte started, “let’s go see your baby.”
Swallowing hard, Abel nodded.
Charlotte turned and pushed the door open and held it so that Abel could walk through.
His feet felt like cinder blocks. Despite this, Abel willed them on.
As he entered the room, Abel felt as if the world around him was moving in slow motion. Andrew and Gwendolyn looked up at him, both pairs of eyes were brimmed with tears. Abel kept walking. Evelyn looked up and gave him the biggest smile he had ever seen from her.
Then Abel stopped dead in his tracks.
Lying in the hospital bed, in a position so she could sit up and clutch their newborn close, was Sitara. Her wild brown hair framed her exhausted features. Her bangs were pasted against her forehead by the sweat that she had exerted during childbirth.
Sitara’s eyes connected with Abel’s and instantly a warm smile rippled across her weary face. Her lips parted and the in meekest voice Abel had ever heard her use came forth, “Hi sweetheart.”
Abel, now being bombarded with joy and sadness at the same time, moved so that he was at Sitara’s bedside. He took her free hand in his own. Abel wanted to say something, anything, but his mouth was like a castle’s gate. It refused to let any words out.
The entire room was quiet, except for the occasional soft noise from the baby.
Sitara gripped her husband’s hand tightly and said, “Say hello to our daughter.”
That sentence hit Abel like a heap of bricks. His eyes were instantly fighting back a fountain of tears and his voice shook as he replied, “We… we have a baby girl?”
Tears began to roll down Sitara’s face as she nodded back. Abel looked up for a moment and saw that everyone else had tears flowing down their faces as well. Gwendolyn moved to wipe the tears from her eyes, to little effect.
He turned his gaze back to his beloved wife and then to his daughter.
Abel couldn’t believe how pristine she looked. His little girl was wrapped in a light pink blanket, provided by the hospital, and a small pink cap had been placed on her small skull to keep her head warm.
She shifted slightly in Sitara’s arms, as if her father’s gaze incited excitement inside the tiny form.
Abel moved his arms down towards his daughter. His hands slid underneath the swaddled figure and found the proper places to hold her securely. Slowly, but surely, Abel brought the baby to rest against his chest. By now Abel’s own tears were beginning to cascade down his face. He marveled at his daughter.
Andrew, having finally staunched the flow of his own tears, asked, “What will you name her?”
All eyes turned to Abel.
Looking back to his wife, Abel quietly replied, “Abigail.”
Smiles came from every person that was in the room. Wiping her face clean of tears, Charlotte spoke up, “That is a beautiful name Abel.”
Grasping Abel’s arm, Sitara replied with a sincere smile. Ambling towards his sister-in-law, Abel asked, “Charlotte, would you like to hold her?”
“Of course I would,” she replied almost instantly. Extending his arms toward her, Abel gently placed his daughter in her open arms.
As time passed, Abigail was passed from Charlotte to Evelyn and then onto Andrew and Gwendolyn. Each time the person who held her beamed. Abel and Sitara looked on, pride filling their hearts. Silently, Sitara rested her head on Abel’s shoulder. Easing his own head on top of his wife’s, Abel took her hand. Sitara tenderly squeezed his.
As the new parents continued to watch their family faun over their daughter, both Abel and Sitara knew she was a blessing from God.
-----------------------------

I'm kinda indifferent with the Ending. I mean, I like it (obviously) but I get the feeling that I could finish with something better. Or, rather, a better wording of what I have now.

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by frang on Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:21 pm

One of the reasons I feel like it's a beginning, there is no serious internal or external conflict among the characters. For drama to occur, there must be conflict. I don't mean shoot-em-up - stupid cat hairs sticking out of my keyboard - but wishes and desires that conflict. To be effective, they must grow out of the characters, not be pasted on. For the story to be effective, some sort of resolution must occur by the end of the story. It doesn't have to be victory or defeat, it could be a realization by the characters that a conflict of desires exists. When I say "internal conflict," I mean it. Some of the most powerful stories involve a conflict of ideas, wants, and desires INSIDE just one of the characters. If conflict is in this story, you'll need to bring it out a little more. This ain't just me talking through my hat, people have been discussing this since Aristotle's Poetics. He started the discussion. I don't agree with his every opinion, his work has been a source of - lol - conflict ever since he wrote it. This is the curse of being over-educated. Learn from my misfortune!

UPDATE: This was written about v 1.0. Version 2.0 has a tiny, tiny bit of conflict inside the protagonist. This needs to be brought out. Also, try writing longer stories. It's easier to bring these things out in longer stories.

SECOND UPDATE: It's okay if you don't want to put drama into your work. Those are called 'vignettes' and are a valid story form. [Deadly shock applied in five seconds] cat hair over everything! Someone's shedding and it ain't me.
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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:52 pm

frang wrote:Also, try writing longer stories. It's easier to bring these things out in longer stories.

Well I have every intention of writing a full-length Story Frang, and most likely I'll tie what I've posted so far into that Story. I just need to straighten out what exactly I'm going to have the Story be about. You know, the Plot/Story Arc and Subplots, as long as they're feasible.

I thought of this earlier today, do you think I would need to re-word or even re-type parts of this piece to go along with what Hospitals were like in the time period I have in my other piece?

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by foxrock66(Roadkill) on Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:49 pm

If we're talking a medieval tie period, yes. Definitely. Most child births in that time frame took place at home. No nurses, maybe a grandmother or close family friend acting as a nurse.

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Wed Jan 26, 2011 3:10 pm

That's what I had thought Fox. Though it wouldn't be "Medieval" per se, more along the lines of a Lord of the Rings-type-setting. I guess it would still apply though... Razz

If I can come up with the right wording and it feels/flows right, I'll end up changing it. Since "Time" and "Conviction" have the same Characters, I was planning on putting them both into my main Story.

Thoughts Frang? Or anyone else Wink

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by frang on Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:00 pm

Fox is absolutely right. Even in the USA, most births were at home clear up until the late nineteenth century. Doctors were usually not in attendance, midwives were called if needed. These were local women who specialized in helping women give birth. If I remember correctly, there was a little overlap between women considered witches and midwives. Hospitals existed in the ancient world and even in some places in the European Middle Ages, but were for sick people. Unless something went wrong with the pregnancy, giving birth wasn't considered an illness. The ancient hospitals were associated with the god Aesculapius (Greek name: Asclepius) or the Roman army. Medieval hospitals were usually run by monks or nuns as part of the their order's mission. A few were associated with universities. The university as we know it today was actually a medieval invention. It gets kinda complicated when talking about physicians, surgeons, dentists. Physicians were often trained at a university. They had very peculiar ideas (bleeding people, for instance, and remember, the germ theory of disease was only accepted by doctors a little more than a hundred forty years ago, due to the work of Pasteur) Surgeons would do operations and remove teeth. They were also barbers. I kid you not. There were no nurses in the modern sense. Those really weren't invented until the American Civil War.

UPDATE: Oops, that was just for the USA. Florence Nightingale was mostly responsible starting the modern idea of nurses as trained professionals, following her experiences caring for the wounded in the Crimean War. That war was in the 1850s, and was typical for wars of that period in European history, being very complicated in its origins and aims. Basically the Russians, French, and English were fighting over who would dominate the slowing disintegrating Ottoman Empire. The Ottomans, by the way, hung on until World War I. I'm gonna stop here, rather than try to explain Ataturk, Balkan politics, and the Turks in the early Twentieth Century.


Last edited by frang on Thu Jan 27, 2011 1:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:27 pm

frang wrote:Fox is absolutely right. Even in the USA, most births were at home clear up until the late nineteenth century. Doctors were usually not in attendance, midwives were called if needed.

Hm. Alright then, guess I still have some tweaking to do. I'll try and get on it either tonight or tomorrow evening.

Oh and thank you all for your feedback. I really appreciate it Smile

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Jack on Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:43 pm

I just feel it lacked the real grime of child birth, and it was much to pleasant. It also lacked that personal feel, like the author never went through this subject so it sort of lacked the drama and the emotions.. While you tried to put them in with good detail you didn't choose the right things to touch on, and you could of gone back through the entire family before the baby.. Did the two families completely approve? Was it a big deal that she was pregnant or was she a nobody? Has she had miscarriages in the past? Did he want a son instead of a daughter? How was the journey through the pregnancy, did they fight? Did they cry? It all feels a little misplaced. I don't know, i just kinda skimmed the second one and read through the first...

Otherwise i liked it, In my birth it was complicated because my mom had to have an emergency c-section. Both of us nearly died during her giving birth, so i always think of it as a bloody kind of disturbing thing from onlookers but a beautiful thing in the eyes of the parents.

You really did a great job though otherwise..
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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Rinku on Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:10 am

I think I would rather have Dev not describe the grime of childbirth in this story.

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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Jack on Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:16 am

Rinku wrote:I think I would rather have Dev not describe the grime of childbirth in this story.

Well if he's going to talk about it Razz
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Re: "Time" Project

Post by Deviss on Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:07 am

Now, I never insinuated that I was going to describe the birth itself. Had wanted to, I would have started this Piece earlier in that timeline. Say when Sitara's water broke. Or rather Odette, since I made some changes last night.

Obviously I've never experienced a child being born, I mean I'm only 19. But I've seen enough shows and movies where they have shown what all goes on. I can try and re-word certain parts to try and give them a more... believable feel.

Those are all good points Jack but, read the Second all the way through. That one is the most current. Perhaps I'll go back and address some of the points you mentioned, if they flow perfectly that is.

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