Lockdown

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Lockdown

Post by Denjie on Mon Jan 24, 2011 12:48 pm

Ok, so I've been working on this story for the past week. It's by no means done, just workin on where it's goin next, or how to write a certain scene more precisely.

LOCKDOWN:
It was time.
I knew this deep down in my gut; I couldn’t waste any more time hesitating over what to do. I had gotten myself into this, now I had to get myself and Kira out of here. Jamming another clip into my .45 I glanced around the table to where the six street boys were. Two of them held 12 gauge shotguns, one had a revolver and the other three held automatics. I turned back to look at Kira who was sitting beside me. I looked into her eyes and saw strength in them. “You holdin up ok?” I asked her, she nodded and gripped the pistol she had taken off one of the dead kids a bit firmer. She looked at me with firmness in her eyes “Go for it” she said. I closed my eyes, breathed heavily and counted to ten. As the number ten left my lips, I leaped to my feel and at the same time pulled the trigger. I felt the tiny kick as the gun shot round after round at the men. My heart was racing, hoping that I got them before they got me. I suddenly heard another gun going off at my side, I glanced over to see Kira firing her gun as well. The last thing I felt was an intense explosion and then blackness.

A hand touched my shoulder.
I jerked upright and glanced at who had touched me, it was Kira. I looked around at the train station we were sitting in and realized I had momentarily thought back to that time in that basement when I thought we would both be dead. It still sends shivers down my spine when I realize how close to death we both were. I shook my head to clear it and run my fingers through my hair. “You have to stop thinking about that so much Ty” Kira said with a weary look in her eyes. “We’ve moved on, we’re both alive and unless this is another trap, we’ve got another job coming towards us”. I half smiled to myself at the thought of another job, Kira and I are what you would call a hit team, only we didn’t just do hits. We also collected information when the job asked for it. We had been doing this since we both left the army after Desert Storm, I came from the Special Forces, She was in Intelligence and CIA. We both retired and decided to form a team. So now here we are, living on the edge, not knowing what will happen in the next minute or hour. Chuckling to myself I had to admit, we both enjoyed it.

“So where exactly are we supposed to meet this contact?” Kira asked looking a bit tense. “The note said for this spot at this train station” I replied while looking around. “Hold it Ty, we got company” I glanced over to where she was hinting and saw 4 men in black trench coats. “I thought we had eliminated all of Jason’s men?” Kira look even more tense. Every time we’ve tangled with Jason’s men, it’s been one hell of a encounter. I sighed to myself, reached inside my coat and gripped my .45. “Get to run if they decide to start a show here”. Kira looked at me and then shook her head, “No Ty, I’m tired of running from those idiots. If they start the show, I’m finishing it”. I looked at her in disbelief, “Kira, are you crazy, you make on move on them and they’ll tear you down”. Kira’s eyes got a stubborn look in them, “I don’t care Ty, I’m ending this here if they start it”. I looked back to where the men were, they were heading right towards us, their faces were set in grim determination. *great* I thought to myself, I didn’t want to have to deal with this right now. I also wasn’t about to leave Kira alone. As the men got closer to us, Kira got up, walk 4 feet away from the bench we had been sitting on and just stood there. Cursing to myself, I got up as well and walked to where she was. She glanced at me with a tight smile. “Well, here it goes” She said with mock enthusiasm. My face was grim as I reached inside both pockets for the pistols, ready for all hell to break loose.

The next part will hopefully be coming later this week.

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Re: Lockdown

Post by Gunn3r on Mon Jan 24, 2011 9:18 pm

liked it alot cant wait for rest Very Happy
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Re: Lockdown

Post by frang on Tue Jan 25, 2011 9:53 pm

Very interesting stuff. The same layout criticisms I made of Dev's last work apply here: new paragraphs when the speaker changes, more clarity.

I prefer the dash ( - ) to the semicolon...;...personally.

You need to lay out the flashback to the old fight. I was a little confused about the action. Were they in a meeting around the table. Why were the gunmen just waiting for them to move? Me, I would have made the communication between the narrator and his girl Kira nonverbal. We didn't have to speak. This wasn't our first rodeo together. A glance, a small shrug, shifting my weight in the chair as the narcotrafficker ranted at the short load. Kira leaning back in her chair, putting her arm casually behind her, right at the forty caliber Sig in the holster at the small of her back.

Describe in a little more detail.

Her eyes shifted from my face to glance behind me. I followed the hinting look, turning my head to look.

She had gotten a little crazier each mission. It was worse this time.
“No Ty, I’m tired of running from those idiots. If they start the show, I’m finishing it”. Her eyes hardened around the edges. I knew that look. She couldn't be put off. This same look had been on her face right before she punched her CIA AIC in the face. That time it bought her a six month suspension. This time it might get her dead.


These are just examples. This is your story, to be told in your voice. More details would clarify the action in the reader's mind. Think on how your mom looks when she gets mad. My mom, her lips would tightened and her cheeks suck in a little, almost as if she were sucking on a piece of hard candy. When she was happy, her whole face would open like a door. She would smile broadly. He eyes appeared to twinkle. I kid you not.

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Re: Lockdown

Post by Hawk on Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:32 pm

Hey Denny!! it is a good start!! I really do like the story-line thus far...and it has good characters too!! I really like it!!!

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Re: Lockdown

Post by Denjie on Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:11 pm

Well, I'm unlocking this and posting the revise part and the next section of the story, feel free to comment. (sry it took so long to get it up here, been really busy)

Revised Section:


It was time.
I knew this deep down in my gut; I couldn’t waste any more time hesitating over what to do. I had gotten myself into this, now I had to get Kira and myself out of here. Jamming another clip into my .45 I glanced around the up turned table to where the six guys in black jackets were. Two of ‘em held shotguns; one had a revolver and the other three held automatics. I turned my head back to look at Kira who was sitting beside me. I looked into her eyes and saw strength in them.

“You holdin up ok?” I asked, she nodded and gripped the pistol she had taken off one of the dead guys a bit firmer. When she look at me, her eyes hardened “Go for it” she said.

Leaning back against the table, I breathed deeply and counted to ten. As the number ten left my lips, I went up on one knee while at the same time pulling the trigger. I felt the tiny kick as the pistol shot round after round at the men. My heart was racing, my adrenaline was sky high. I heard a gun go off beside me; I glanced over to see Kira firing her gun as well. The last thing I felt was an intense explosion and then blackness.

A hand touched my shoulder.

Jerking upright I glanced at who had touched me, it was Kira. Looking around the train station where we were sitting, I realized I had momentarily flashed back to the time in that basement under Jason’s offices when I thought we were both goners. To this day, it still sends shivers down my spine when I realize how close we had been to bitin the dust. I shook my head to clear it while running my fingers through my hair.

“You’ve got to stop thinkin about that time so much Ty” Kira said with a weary look in her eyes as if she had known exactly what I had been thinking about. Knowing how close we are, she probably did. “We’ve moved on, we’re still alive and unless this is another trap, we’ve got another job coming towards us”.

I half smiled to myself at the thought of another job. Kira and I are people you normally didn’t get involved with, We did hits, information gathering (stealing as a more appropriate term), keep people safe when needed or got people out of areas that were hot. We’ve been doing this since for the past 10 years. I left the army after Desert Storm, I was in the Special Forces: Ranger. Kira was part of intelligence as well as involved with the CIA, she did a lot intelligence work during Desert Storm. I retired from the army 3 years after Desert Storm, Kira Left the Agency 4 years after Desert Storm.

I had been working as a S.W.A.T. training instructor when Kira came to me and gave me a proposition to form a team. I accepted, and left the Police Force. So now here we are, living on the edge, not knowing what will happen in the next minute or hour. Chuckling to myself I had to admit, we both enjoyed it.

“So where exactly were we supposed to meet this contact?” Kira asked looking around trying to ease her tension. “The note said for this spot at this abandoned train station” I replied while looking around. Kira placed a hand on my shoulder “Hold it Ty, we got company”. I glanced over to where she was hinting and saw 4 men in black trench coats. “I thought we had eliminated all of Jason’s men?” Kira whispered look even more tense.

Every time we’ve tangled with Jason’s men, it’s been one hell of an encounter. I sighed to myself, reached inside my coat and gripped my .45. “Get ready to get outta here if they decide to start a show here”. Kira looked at me with a “you’ve to be kidding” look and then shook her head, “No way Ty, I’m tired of running from those idiots. If they wanna start the show, I’m finishin it”. I looked at her like she was stupid, “Are you crazy!? You make on move on them and they’ll tear you down”. Kira face got a stubborn look on it, “I don’t give a [Deadly shock applied in five seconds] Ty, I’m ending this right here if they start it”. I looked back to where the men were, they were heading right towards us, their faces were set in grim determination. *great* I thought to myself, I didn’t wanna to have to deal with this right now, I just wanted to get this job done and move on with life. Was that too much to ask for!? . Sighing, I also wasn’t about to leave Kira alone. As the men got closer to us, Kira got up, walk 4 feet away from the bench we had been sitting on and just stood there. Cursing to myself, I felt torn for a few seconds. Ultimately though, I got up as well.


Next Section:


As I got up, I thought I saw the glint of a rifle barrel to my right. Not knowing where it was pointing I ran towards Kira. Putting my arm out, I shoved her down while at the same time pulling my gun out and turning about to where I thought the shooter might be. Just as I turned I felt the whip of a bullet pass my head, turning my head I saw one of Jason’s men go down, shot through the head. I immediately got down on one knee and fired my gun at the men. I heard that rifle go off a second time and another man went down. As I kept firing, I looked down at Kira who was firing her pistols and in mock frustration I thought “How the hell did I get into this again!?”. All I know is that I kept firing at those men until they were all down and dead.

We had gotten away from those guys with no damage. It seems that the contact we were suppose to meet had seen those men as well and decided to take his own steps.

I had glanced towards Kira for a split second during the fight and saw that she was using the revolver I had gotten her. If you didn’t really know her, the shear calmness that she emitted while shooting would turn your blood cold. As it was, I knew she was completely scared and was using every ounce of will power to keep from backing down.

It had been over two hours since the skirmish and it was dead quiet, looking down I saw my hands were trembling. Willing calm into them I shakily loaded a fresh clip into each pistol and then tucked them back in my pockets. I looked over at Kira, “I hope to God they were the last”. Kira gave a half chuckle and looked at me with dry humor, “What’s the matter Ty? Can’t take the adrenaline anymore?”.

“[Deadly shock applied in five seconds] right I can’t, I think we need to re-think what we’re doing for jobs from now on. We can’t just be on the run from people all the time. A little peace and quiet would be helpful ya know”. Kira looked at me thoughtfully, “I suppose your right, we could lay low for a bit and take only jobs that deal with information gathering and getting people out of hot spots. How does that sound”? I gave her a grateful smile, but then the weariness kicked in and my shoulders slumped. “Lets just get outta of here, we need to find a place to hole up and let things quiet down for a bit”. Kira nodded her agreement. So, with our eyes alert and our hands ready for action, we made our way out of the train station. I looked like we would be doing a lot less for while. At least it kept from getting killed.

It’s been 3 weeks since that time at the station. We’ve been moving from place to place and now we’ve stop for a bit. Time to collect our thoughts on where to go next.

“Kira, stop fidgeting. They’ll be here, no need to worry”. She shot me a look of “so?”. I sighed to myself, some things never change it seemed. She’s still paranoid about safety, always trying to think what could happen. I personally call it being a pessimist, she rarely thinks about the positive side of life anymore. It’s almost like our work is working her to the point of breaking. Once that happens, we’re done. I won’t live with her like that while trying to pull jobs, to risky when a person is in that state of mind.

Pushing those thoughts away for the time being, I looked at her again as she stood by the window of the apartment we were in. We were living on the second floor, so we had a bit of a view from the front.

“Ty, someone’s coming from the north,” she said with apprehension. I walked over to the window and looked to the left. Down on the street was someone who walked like they knew exactly where they were going. The person paused at the front of the complex, then entered.

“What do we do Ty?” I looked at her with a questioning look. Sometimes I think that Kira does better in the action while I’m better in the quiet and planning. Maybe that’s we’re a team. Who knows anymore? “What we always do, be ready for the contact and if it turns out they’re after to take us down, well, we send back to hell”.

She nodded at me while walking over to the dresser we shared. I glanced over to she what she was doing and saw her take a 9mm out of the top drawer. “Keep that out of site Kira, we don’t know if we’ll need it or not”. She looked at me like I was stupid, “Well of course I’m going to keep it out of site, you think I’ve forgotten how handle myself in action”? I dismissed the reply I was about to make about her seeming to slow down because at that moment there was a nock at the door. Ready for anything, I went over to the door and started the recognition sequence. After it was finished, I opened the door to let the contact in.

The contact was a woman of about 25, medium height, tan, green eyes with brunette hair. I won’t lie in saying she was attractive, evidently Kira noticed my reaction as well. She spoke up at that moment, “So your our contact eh?” she asked with a level look. The girl seemed unruffled by the tone of Kira’s voice. Thank God. “Yes, you can call me Trish for the time being” she replied. I looked from Kira to Trish and knew it be one hell of a job keepin Kira from takin out Trish. I sighed inwardly wondering why the hell it was always me.

Breaking the silence, I asked the obvious question: “So what exactly was the point with the note”? I was referring to a note I had received a few days ago pertaining to some information and that a contact, evidently this Trish person was to come and explain it in further detail. Trish looked at me, then at Kira, “Do you mind if we sit down”? I nodded and showed her to the chairs we had in the little living room. I noticed Kira made a point of sitting next to me, leaving Trish to sit across from us. This was going to be an interesting partnership with Trish, if that was to be the case.

Trish then proceeded to pull out blue prints and pages of information. “The operation which you two will be handling is called Black Sparrow”. Kira and I both gave her the look of “so?” Trish started to outline the plan. “The operation consists of infiltrating President Kreno Geovanez, the supposed leader of Mexico”. “Woa, woa, hold it there sister, you’re wanting us to take on the Leader of Mexico?” I looked at her like she was insane, because the plan she was showing to us WAS insane.

She gave me with a slightly confused look, “I’ve heard from several people that you two are one of the top operative teams around, able to pull off any job”. “We may be one of the top teams around”, I said; “But that’s because we’ve not taken anybody on like this, it’s usually just business people or small time dictators, not a President of a country like Mexico. We’d get killed before we even got to his mansion”.

She turned her gaze to Kira, “And what do you have to say about this”? Kira glanced at me then looked at Trish. “While I’ve always been the one to jump out and go for, I will admit though, that Ty’s caution has saved us more times then I can count”. I looked at her with a new mindset, maybe she actually was thankful for my caution. Who knows, I hope she’s that smart. “Well then, make up your minds let me know if you’re up to the task or not”. Trish’s voice broke through my thinking and with a slight start I look up at her as she was standing. “Sure, we’ll let you know through the usual channels”. She nodded at me then left. I sighed inwardly thinking what this could do to us if we except this.


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ECHOESHUNTER8 5/14/09 wrote:Denjie, your Squad Leader because I can't be active enough to do so, and also, your the oldest member here (as in experiance). So please don't give me a reason to question your work here please.


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Re: Lockdown

Post by Cuyir on Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:23 pm

Verry nice work Den! *Thinks* If I could make stories like the ones I've seen, the world would end. *Shrug* Ah well, back to learning.
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Re: Lockdown

Post by Skate™ on Sat Feb 26, 2011 9:26 am

Nice The very beginning is good too because it really made me want to keep reading.
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Re: Lockdown

Post by Hawk on Sat Feb 26, 2011 8:12 pm

Pretty cool Denny Wink

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Re: Lockdown

Post by stcd on Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:03 am

This is a good story,I am stcd and I like this story Get Some Dance
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Re: Lockdown

Post by Kiba on Mon Mar 07, 2011 11:06 pm

Intriguing. Needs some cleaning up, but I like the direction it's going. Reminds me a bit of Wanted

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