"Mind Heist" Project

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"Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:04 am

Here's the fleshed out "Mind Heist" story project.

-----------------------------------

It had been raining for what felt like days. The clouds had torn themselves apart and let loose a torrential downpour. Abel felt as though he were soaked to the bone. Every part of him, from his leather boots to the snug plate body that was strapped across his torso, was coated with a thin film of water.
The dull clatter of loose weapons fell upon Abel’s ears. “Secure those arms now!” he hissed.
Reacting instantly, the soldiers whose weapons were loose on their mounts secured the straps that had come undone. Every man that was with Abel knew how grave this mission was.

Three days ago, while she was returning from her weekly horse ride throughout the countryside, Sitara had been abducted. There hadn’t been anyone accompanying her, as she enjoyed the time alone.
Once he and Damon, Abel’s closest friend and the castle’s best tracker, had arrived to where her horse’s corpse was left, they quickly concluded, judging by the condition of the corpse, that the Baaq that had taken her. The two drove their horses to the brink of exhaustion so they could make the quickest possible time back to the castle and assemble a rescue party. The group was compromised of twenty-eight soldiers from the king’s personal guard.
Following the indisputable trail left by the sizable pack of Baaq, Abel, Damon and the band of soldiers kept a steady pace.

Directing his horse alongside Abel’s, Damon inquired, “How are you holding up my friend?”
Hesitating for a moment, Abel stated, “My wife has been abducted for, what appears to be, no apparent reason.”
Damon said nothing. He simply held his pained gaze.
“I… I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. Nothing like this has ever happened before,”
Taking a quick breath, Damon replied, “No one could have expected that this would happen and beating yourself up won’t save her.”

Abel shook his head in frustration and spat, “I know that! What else am I supposed to do?”
Casting his gaze downwards, Damon kept silent for a moment. Only when Abel returned his baleful stare on the rain-drenched horizon did Damon respond, “Once we find the Baac,” He began, “every one of those beasts will pay for what they did.”

Abel let his head dip slightly in acknowledgment. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Abel noticed a rider rapidly approaching. The man’s clothes were saturated with rain, as were everyone else’s. Wiping a hand over his weary face to clear the moisture, the soldier spoke, “We’re approaching the clearing sir. The Baaq are encamped there. Just as prince Damon predicted.”

Putting his rage aside, Abel replied, “Could you see my wife? Is she alright?”
Shaking his head, the soldier replied, “I wasn’t close enough to see if the princess was unharmed sir but, I did see her.”
Abel felt his heart skip a beat.
He was eager to have his beloved back in his arms. Bringing his wandering mind back to the present, Abel asked, “Could you gauge how many Baaq are down there?”
“They appear to be at least sixty strong sir,”
“You’re absolutely sure of that count?” Damon questioned.
The soldier de-focused for a moment and then answered, “Yes sir. As sure as I can be. I dared not get closer, lest I be discovered.”

Abel and Damon both had concern spring across their faces.
“This complicates things considerably,” said Damon, placing a hand on his chin in contemplation.
“An outright attack would surely result in death.” Abel muttered, “Are the palace guards skilled in archery?”
The gentle movements of his mount provided Damon with an unintentional nodding. Despite this, he shook his head in concurrence, “Of course they are. Do not forget Abel, should the castle be breached and the defenses overrun, these men are the last line of protection for our father.” He stated.

Slowly the group noticed it had finally ceased raining, though the sky was still seething with dark, monstrous clouds. Raising an arm to signal the group to stop, Abel said to Damon, “We need to draw a new plan of attack.”
Pulling the reins close, Abel’s horse slowed, then stopped. Swinging his leg across the saddle, Abel dropped to the wet ground, his armor clattering softly as he landed. The band of soldiers came to a halt near the fringes of a large grove that was located at the base of a small mountain range.

The mountain range had once been the crest of a large volcano but several centuries of the planet’s crust shifting caused the volcano to crumble away and a deep chasm to split open where the volcano’s base had once been. The remaining volcano crest formed the present-day mountain range that ran in a half-circle around the chasm. Fortunately for Abel and his party, a natural path had been formed decades ago.
Pacing slowly in front of the soldiers, Abel called out, “Which of you are most proficient with a longbow?”
Before any of them could answer, Damon questioned, “What are you thinking?”
Turning to face Damon, Abel elaborated, “We place ten men along the top of the mountain range. While they provide covering fire, you and I will lead the remaining soldiers into the Baaq camp.”
Considering the rash battle plan, Damon began to shake his head, “How can you be sure the men will even be able to make it up there?”

Suddenly, the man who had scouted ahead spoke up, “I know for a fact they would.”
Both Abel and Damon turned around in surprise. Neither of them had noticed him until now. “Is that right?” Abel asked.
Nodding his head, the soldier replied, “Yes sir. That’s where I took up my scouting position.”
“What’s your name soldier?” Damon challenged.
“Jonathan Corvus, sir.” The soldier responded without a moment’s hesitation.
Pacing slowly around the man, Abel queried, “Would you be willing to lead the group of archers Corvus?”
Looking back at the men he served with, a few of them providing nods of encouragement, Corvus answered, “Absolutely.”
“Very well. Select nine others and get them ready.” Ordered Abel, turning back to face Damon. As he did, Corvus pointed out the nine men nearest to him and led them to where the horses were tethered. At a steady pace, the men withdrew their longbows, slung the weapons and began to test them, making sure they were ready for what was to come.

As Abel moved to the remaining men, Damon placed a restraining hand on his shoulder.
“Are you certain this will work?”
Pursing his lips together lightly, Abel replied, “This is the only way. We can’t return to the castle for more men. Sitara would be long gone by the time we returned and then I would loose her forever.”
Seeing the passion in his eyes, Damon said, “We’ll have to extra precise then. Keep moving and strike with lethality.”

A small grin touched Abel’s mouth. “Thank you for coming with me on this Damon.”
Shaking his head with genuine modesty, Damon replied, “Say no more. You’re family. Besides, how would it look if a member of the royal family didn’t take part in the rescue of his sister? Sitara never would have let me live it down.”
The two men chuckled softly while walking over to where the remaining soldiers were waiting. As they neared the waiting men, the sky let out a monstrous thunderclap, which caused a few of the horses to neigh anxiously. Rain started to sprinkle down.

Then the sprinkling turned into a downpour.
Raising his arms into the air and letting his head drop back, Abel welcomed the fresh rainfall.
Smirking in disbelief, Damon quipped, “You’re actually enjoying this?”
Shaking his head wildly, Abel retorted, “Of course I am. It makes everything feel so clean. Revived.”
Pulling his wet hair back, Abel quickly tied a small red ribbon around it, making sure no strands would become a hindrance during the coming fight. He could still recall when Sitara had given it to him as a gift after they first spent time together.

Directing his attention back to his soldiers, Abel spoke frankly, “You all know why we’re hear and what is at stake. The Baaq may outnumber us but we are far more skilled than those beasts are.” As he spoke, few of the soldiers slowly nodded their heads. Abel’s words succeeding in inspiring them. Making quick eye contact with them, Abel summarized, “Thank you all for traveling this far with me. Now I ask that you travel just a few feet more.”
Even with the steady fall of rain, it wasn’t very difficult to tell that tears were rolling down Abel’s face. Stepping forward and placing a comforting hand on Abel’s shoulder, Damon declared, “For Sitara.”
“For Sitara.” Confirmed Abel.

Turning back to the soldiers, Damon ordered, “Mount up!”
Reacting instantly, each man hoisted himself back onto his respective mount. As Abel and Damon did the same, Corvus and the company of archers approached them, “We’re prepared.”
“Well done. Do not begin firing until I give the signal.” Abel instructed.
Bowing his head, Corvus asked, “And what is the signal?”

Exchanging a brief glance with Damon, he replied, “When you see the first Baac fall. After that, I want you to pierce every one of those beasts’ skulls with an arrow shaft. Leave none alive. Work your way from the outside in.”
The weight of Abel’s words was not lost on Jonathan Corvus. He simply nodded his answer. With that, Corvus turned and led the small group of archers to where they would begin their climb.

Watching them skulk off, Abel pulled hard on his horse’s reigns. Directing the animal so it faced directly into the clearing, Abel moved so that he could glimpse the soldiers. Each faces was set in serious mask of stone. The rain dripped off their chins and noses. There was a continuous pattering of rain on armor. Quickly exchanging looks with Damon, Abel touched his feet against his horse’s sides.
The stallion took to motion instantly. Damon and the soldiers followed suit. Soon they all were moving at a steady canter.

As the entrance to the clearing grew closer and closer, Abel saw that Corvus and his men were in place and each of them had their longbows at the ready.
The entrance to the clearing was upon them now. The two sheer mountainsides loomed over the party briefly, making the existing rainstorm seem all the more depressing.
The clearing was sparsely decorated with varying trees. Most of them were located on the opposite side of the path entrance. On a dry day, the clearing would have been a pleasant place. But on a day like today, where it had been raining nearly all day, it was downright dismal. The added scenery of the Baaq camp didn’t improve that setting much.

The camp itself was a pathetic excuse. Shabby, makeshift tents that had been hastily made and were now sagging under the repeated barrage of hard rain. The Baaq were spread around the width of the clearing, huddled over doused fires and attending to their crudely made weapons. It wasn’t until Abel and his group of mounted warriors were practically riding right over them did they notice the arrival of the unanticipated guests.
Right away, the Baaq that had the misfortune of being located closest to the entryway were immediately trampled. The unforgiving force of twenty powerful horse legs crushed their bodies into featureless masses of meat.
Immediately the camp surged to life. Overcoming the brief shock, Baaq leapt to their feet and snatched their weapons. The action spread throughout the camp like ripples in a pond.

It was in that moment Corvus and his men chose to release their first volley. The arrows soared high into the air, shifted course and hurtled down to the unsuspecting camp. Each shaft smacked into their targets with ferocity, knocking the targeted Baaq off their feet. Without delay, the archers each drew another arrow from their quivers, knocked it, pulled the bowstring back and released their fingers. The downpour quickly became a deadly cocktail of water and arrow shafts.

Keeping their momentum, the mounted warriors continued to barrel through the dumbfounded camp. The horses’ powerful legs were relentless in taking the dawdling Baaq underneath their death-dealing stride. As they pressed on, every man swung their weapons low, attempting to meet flesh with steel.
As they rode on, another volley of arrows impacted. Few of the arrows hit home, the rest thudded into the sodden ground.

By now, the original shock of Abel’s group had worn off. Pockets of Baaq had begun to mobilize. They took up their weapons and struck out against their attackers.
Realizing they were at a height disadvantage, the Baaq hurriedly seized their crude pikes and halberds. The beasts thrust them outwards, aiming to skewer the onrushing riders.
Discerning the wall of pole arms from the haze of the rainstorm, Abel frantically hollered, “Divide!”
Upon hearing Abel’s call, the group split into two halves. The men pulled hard on their horses’ reins, desperate to avoid the rapidly approaching barrier. Horses neighed in protest, reacting to their masters’ actions. Damon’s half of the band narrowly evaded the bloodthirsty pikes but Abel’s half was not as fortunate.

Three of the nine horses were impaled on the pikes, throwing the riders into the crowd of Baaq. The remaining six were forced to stop where they were; nearly surrounded by the murderous beasts. The three men who were flung from their mounts were fighting with ferocious drive, using everything at their disposal as a weapon.
Still on his mount, Abel swung against any Baaq that was near him. Each time his blade dipped, a Baaq fell to the ground. Moving his arm back to strike again, the Baaq Abel was targeting moved quicker than he anticipated. The creature propelled its halberd towards Abel’s horse. Before he could react, the weapon intertwined with the stallion’s powerful legs and forced it crashing to the drenched ground.

Wriggling free from under his horse, Abel found his sword half buried in muck. He turned to see his opponent raising its weapon behind its head, preparing to deliver a crushing deathblow. Instinctively, Abel dove out of the poleaxe’s reach. Sliding in the mud, Abel desperately sought his broad shield. Spotting it on his horse’s form, Abel dove over its inert form, just narrowly avoiding another devastating halberd strike.

Sliding his arm into the straps, Abel brought his shield up to block another blow from the halberd-wielding Baaq. Using the shield’s mass to shift the pole down, Abel jammed his armored shin on top of it, snapping it clean. Bewildered by the sudden loss of its weapon, the Baaq didn’t see the long sword arching towards its exposed neck.
Tearing his weapon free, Abel turned to see two arrows pierce the next would-be opponents neck.
Looking around, Abel saw that Damon and his men had unsaddled and joined the fight on foot. Abel briefly marveled at the speed with which Damon swung his sword.
During the distraction, a Baaq capitalized. Using its sinister mace, the Baaq disarmed Abel of his shield. Roaring its rage, the beast swung the mace again, only just missing Abel’s knees. Walking towards his assailant, Abel moved his right side back, arched backwards and moved his form under another swing. Righting himself quickly, Abel propelled his blade through the Baaq’s chain mail and deep into its chest cavity.

The rainstorm refused to let up as Abel quickly crossed swords with another Baaq. It snarled and bore its teeth as he attempted to push the beast back. After a few moments of struggling, Abel clutched the Baaq’s wrist, shoved its arms down, and hammered his weapon’s cross guard into its left eye. The creature staggered back, roaring in agony. Bringing his sword above his right shoulder, Abel sliced diagonally across its lightly armored chest.
Abel’s sword moved of its own accord. The chaos around him slowed to blur. The rain no longer registered in Abel’s mind. All he was focused on was ending the lives of each Baaq that crossed the path to reuniting with his wife.
Sidestepping another wild swing, Abel reversed the grip on his sword and brought it through his attacker’s exposed shoulder. Withdrawing quickly, Abel slashed remorselessly across its lower back.

Letting the wounded animal fall from his view, Abel watched as the Baaq were torn to shreds. Weapons rose and fell. Blades danced across Baaq flesh. Broad head arrows thudded into their targets. Every man struck without mercy, especially Damon.
Having discarded all aspects of kindness, Damon’s face was contorted with rage. There was a fire in his eyes that Abel hadn’t ever seen before. Despite its unfamiliarity, Abel knew that feeling all too well. He let the anger wash over him. It filled every open space in his mind until it was the only thing Abel thought of.
Keeping the reversed grip, Abel struck an advancing Baaq with the weapon’s pommel. Its hands flew up to shield its face against any further blows. During which Abel flung his sword from right to left, and then back again. His blade bit into the Baaq’s neck and stomach.

Pivoting on his heel, Abel slapped an oncoming mace away from its intended path. The Baaq swung again, attempting to bash the side of Abel’s skull in. Abel drove his sword down so that it intersected paths with the mace, and then heaved upwards. This action caused the Baaq that wielded it to loose his balance.
While the creature struggled to regain it’s footing, Abel swung at the Baaq’s legs. His blade lacerated a bloody path across both of its legs; cleaving flesh from bone and severing tendons.
Suddenly, Abel heard a strange noise. It sounded wholly out of place among the cacophony of the battle that surrounded him.

Turning in place, Abel scoured the surrounding area, desperate to find the source.
“Abeelll…”
There it was again.
It almost sounded as if… his name was being called.
Looking on Damon, Abel quickly concluded it wasn’t he who was calling him. Damon was still obliging his sword’s thirst for Baaq blood.
“Abel.”
The voice tortured him. Calling out his name and Abel being unable to pinpoint its source.
It almost sounded as if –
“Abel!”
It was his wife!
“ABEL!”
That was Sitara’s voice!

Without warning, his eyes came to rest on Sitara. It was as if she was in front of him the entire time.
Abel’s heart leaped to the top of his throat. He had found her. After all the agonizing hours of wondering whether or not she was alive, here she was. Standing no less than four meters away was Sitara.
She was absolutely drenched. Her hair was a tangle of small, brunette ropes. Caused by her repeated exposure to the pouring rain and moving her head continuously about. Her face was a mask of weariness and despair. The dress she was clothed with was filthy. Originally it had been a fair light blue, but now, after her abduction, it was torn and painted with stains of dirt and blood.

Despite all of those facts, Sitara’s eyes gleamed like emeralds. Abel saw them sparkle to life once he made eye contact with his wife.
Abruptly, Sitara was yanked backwards. Abel came to realize one of the last surviving Baaq had her in its grasp and was dragging her towards the bridge that spanned the width of the chasm.
The beast was committed to accomplishing its mission.
Abel immediately broke from the camp. His legs moved with surprising speed. Anything that impeded his way was shoved away. He was so close now. Nothing would stop him. The trio raced along, with Abel closing the distance with relative ease. Once it neared the chasm’s edge, the Baaq spun around to face Abel. The creature raised its crude sword to Sitara’s exposed neck.

Abel felt the icy hand of dread snatch his heart. He went to step forward but the Baaq wouldn’t have it. As Abel moved, the beast inclined its head and twitched its arm, causing the blade to knick Sitara’s flesh.
“I have a message for you Sir Abel,” the Baaq spoke suddenly. Its voice was guttural and harsh, “Lord Caecus wished me to tell you…” it paused to draw out the cruel pleasure it was deriving from this exchange, “… your kingdom will burn. And you will all drown in my master’s rage.”

Abel attempted to speak but suddenly, a rogue bolt of lightning came arching down and struck the bridge. Sparks and splinters went flying. Hungry tongues of flame tried to form on the soaked wood, to no avail.
The unexpected action caused Abel to loose his balance and fall backwards. As he hit the ground, Abel saw the Baaq captain reactively step back. Forgetting how near the edge of the chasm was, the unsuspecting captain lost it’s footing, turned slightly, then fell back.

Abel watched in horror as Sitara was pulled over the edge.
Leaping to his feet, Abel broke into a hard sprint. Dropping to his knees and throwing his arm down, Abel found Sitara clutching to an exposed slab of rock. He extended his arm as far as it could. As he did so, Sitara gingerly lifted a hand to meet Abel’s.
They were mere centimeters apart.

The rain continued to pour, running across Abel’s face and into his eyes. Shaking his head furiously to clear the water, Abel extended his arm again. Pushing slightly with his feet, Abel’s hand clasped together with Sitara’s.
Using every last ounce of strength that was left in him, Abel heaved his wife upwards to safety. Once she cleared the edge, Abel used his other hand to steady her.

Rising slowly to his feet, Abel aided his wife. He couldn’t help thinking how frail she looked.
Suddenly Sitara began to shiver uncontrollably. Without hesitation, Abel wrapped his arms around his possibly hypothermic wife.
In that moment, the downpour ceased to fall and Damon came running to where they were standing.
He was the picture of battle’s aftermath; a mixture of blood and mud was splattered across his face and armor. His hair had come loose from its tie and was draped around his filthy face. Seeing his sister finally safe brought tears to his eyes. Moving slowly forward, Damon raised his arms to embrace his sibling.
“Sister,” he choked.

Though she was near exhaustion, Sitara managed to embrace her brother in return. “Oh Damon,”
As the siblings held each other, Abel called out, “Bring my wife a blanket!” Immediately one of the nearest soldiers raced off to locate Abel’s mount.
Turning her weary gaze back to her husband, Sitara left her brother’s arms and fell back into Abel’s. Their arms tightened steadily around each other. Abel struggled to hold back the flow of tears that was fighting to burst free.
It was only when the soft noise of Sitara’s sobbing rose to an audible level that Abel began to weep as well. Their shoulders rose and fell as a mixture of grief and joy washed over the exhausted couple. Standing a few feet from the edge of the chasm, Abel and Sitara simply stood there and cherished the feeling of each other’s embrace.
“I thought I’d lost you,” Murmured Abel, trying to steady his trembling voice.

Lifting her head from Abel’s moist chest plate, Sitara replied, “But you found me. I never doubted that you would.”
Placing a hand gently on her face, Abel caressed Sitara’s damp cheek.
The rhythmic clanking of armor preceded the soldier who retrieved Sitara’s blanket. Coming to a stop just behind the trio, the man extended his arm, “The blanket you requested Sir Abel,”
Not breaking the hold with his wife, Abel moved one arm, took the heavy blanket and draped it across Sitara’s shoulders. She pulled it close around her, gracious for its warmth.

Locking eyes again, Abel murmured, “When we get back to the castle, we’re going to have to get you some sword training.”
Recognizing the humor in what her husband said, Sitara gave a small smile and brief chuckle. She wiped the tears from her face. “I would like that,” Sitara began, “so long as you’re the one training me.”
Brushing his hand against her cheek, Abel replied, “Of course I will.”
Ambling towards where the couple was standing, Damon declared, “We should get under way. It will be nightfall before we arrive back at the castle.”
Shifting his gaze towards his friend, Abel responded, “Absolutely. We’ll need to inform the king and queen their daughter is safe. Send a rider ahead of us immediately.”
Damon nodded briskly.

Ushering his wife through the corpse-strewn clearing, Abel found his horse being tended to by one of the palace guards. After learning that his mount was fit for travel, he helped Sitara atop the saddle. For a moment, she looked slightly happier to be back on a horse. Turning his horse around, Abel pressed his heels against its sides.
As he began to move, so to did the soldiers. They had already gone through the process of cleaning their various weapons and securing them properly. A handful of the men had lost their mounts and were forced to double up. Some chose to walk, others welcomed the option.
As the party neared the entryway, Damon trotted up beside Abel and Sitara, “The messenger left a short while ago.”
“Good. How many men did we loose Damon?” Abel inquired.
Letting his chin droop slightly, he replied, “Four. Their bodies were wrapped in a few of the spare blankets.”
“They’ll each have a hero’s burial.” Abel stated.
He chose not to press the matter further. It wasn’t difficult to recall how close Damon was to his men. He always took their deaths hard.
With that, Abel, Sitara and Damon lead the remainder of the palace guard out of the clearing and back onto the pathway. As they passed the rock faces, they found Corvus and his men waiting for them near the path. They fell in line among the other soldiers easily.

As they rode on, Abel noticed Sitara slip into a blissful rest. She sagged slightly against his form and rested her head on his armored chest. He took the reins in one had and tightened the other arm around Sitara’s waist.
Abel couldn’t contain the feeling of elation that radiated throughout his body. Now that he had Sitara back in his arms, he felt utterly at peace.
The words of the Baaq captain still echoed in the back of his mind. He replayed them over and over, trying to discern what the creature meant by what it had said. Abel pushed the train of thought aside. He had Sitara back. That was all that mattered now.
-----------------------------------

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Denjie on Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:37 am

Shocked Dev... I don't know what to say here. This is an amazing peace of work, I was drawn into it from the beginning. Keep it up! Very Happy

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:42 am

Thanks dude Smile Did everything seem to flow well enough? And were there any parts that didn't make sense or needed to be elaborated more?

Sorry Razz Just my inner Critic coming out.

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Hawk on Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:43 am

Dev....have you ever tried to get your stuff published...It would be pretty cool!! not mention that you could probably get some mulla out of it too!!

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by stcd on Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:01 am

very dramatic bro
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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Tue Feb 22, 2011 3:11 pm

To be honest Hawk, I would love it if that happened. I think it would be great to be a published Writer Very Happy

Thanks Deox, 'twas what I was going for Wink

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by frang on Tue Feb 22, 2011 3:17 pm

I copy/pasted it into my text editor/database. Gimme a day or two to go over it.

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Cuyir on Tue Feb 22, 2011 5:58 pm

Denjie wrote:Shocked Dev... I don't know what to say here.

I know exactly what to say. "Wow!" It felt like I was reading from a novel made by two professional writters, and I'm not just saying that. Razz .... Speaking of which, are you professional?
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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Wed Feb 23, 2011 2:50 pm

Cuyir wrote:Speaking of which, are you professional?

"Professional" as in published? Then... no. Hah.

If one day down the road I get this whole Story done and have the chance for it to be published, I'll definitely take it. To have a published Novel, when I'm in my mid-twenties, or whenever, would be amazing.

Thanks for the Comments so far. I appreciate 'em alot Smile

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Zero on Wed Feb 23, 2011 6:23 pm

Very well written Dev. Not one part seemed out of place, everything flowed into the next. Your command of the English language is refreshing, as many stories I read lack the diverse vocabulary, the solid sentence structure, and the flow of words that yours does. Kudos my friend, I look forward to reading more from you.

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Vandal on Thu Feb 24, 2011 10:28 am

Its an amazing work of art. There are only some spelling things but other wise it seems fine in that way like you kept switching between baaq and baac either that was on purpose cuz i know nothing of "Mind Heist". you also used hear instead of here. I love it, it really did capture me right at the beginning like Den said. I agree with Hawk get published as fast as possible. It flowed very nicely. I read a lot and not a lot of authors use as much detail as you do i love the detail i feel like i can see what your writing so i would say that nothing has to be more elaborated.
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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Thu Feb 24, 2011 7:53 pm

Thanks very much Zero, Vandal Smile

Spread the word about this guys. I'd like to have as many CCP's as possible read it and lend their input/comments on this Thread.

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Parker on Fri Feb 25, 2011 4:09 pm

Read it. Loved it. Publish It.

On a larger note, very good. Captured me from the beginning, very interested in what is to come.
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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Fri Feb 25, 2011 4:34 pm

Well I had it in mind to use this particular Chapter as the end of the first Book. Since I established in the "Conviction" Thread that Sitara was an experienced fighter. Can't very well put both of those into the first Book when one shows Sitara without a lick of training whatsoever Razz

Thanks though Park Smile

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Darkspy on Sat Feb 26, 2011 8:24 am

i was hooked from beggining to end. you should be a writer dude i would buy every book you'd put out. you got the writing gift my friend!

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Skate™ on Sat Feb 26, 2011 9:33 am

Dude that was very good! I loved it! You should do what hawk said Smile
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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Sat Feb 26, 2011 6:20 pm

Thank you Skate. I appreciate that alot Smile

I am still looking forward to a few other Members' comments about this.

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Churminess on Mon Feb 28, 2011 9:12 am

That was amazing, most certainly worthy of publishing, and better than some published books I have read. I especially liked the naming, they suited the setting, but also didn't sound made up if you get my drift.

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:16 am

Churminess(3IC) wrote:I especially liked the naming, they suited the setting, but also didn't sound made up if you get my drift.

Grazie Churm Very Happy

To be honest though, "Sitara" was a name made up by a close friend of mine. And I'm basing that Character off of her.

There were a couple days where I spent some time making up a list of names I could use for Characters. I've gotten the Male Characters down, but I still need to draw up the Female Characters.

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Kiba on Mon Mar 07, 2011 11:01 pm

I dig. Couple of bits that need some minor tweaking, and you kept misspelling "lose" but I liked it. Engaging action as well, well described

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Tue Mar 08, 2011 6:20 pm

Kiba wrote:I dig. Couple of bits that need some minor tweaking, and you kept misspelling "lose" but I liked it. Engaging action as well, well described

Much appreciated Kiba Smile

Would you be able to tell me what the minor parts were? I want to make sure every part of this is good & flows well.

Grazie on the action. There have been times where, if I can't picture it mentally, I would try and act it out. Make sure the move(s) actually make sense.


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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Gunn3r on Wed Mar 09, 2011 10:41 pm

That was great dev Very Happy keep it up.
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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Deviss on Thu Mar 10, 2011 9:51 am

Thanks Gunner, much appreciated Smile

Actually, I've got two more writing pieces that I've started recently. Just need to find the time, and focus, to do some solid work on them.

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Re: "Mind Heist" Project

Post by Mobius on Wed Mar 16, 2011 3:14 am

wow... this is advance writing right here.

Nice intro, i didn't get it at first which makes me want to read it more, which is good.

Looks like i need to sharpen my writing skills as well

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