"Conviction" Project

Sounds decent enough, I'd avoid too much romance though this has a fine balance.

Also, i'd love to read more.. There is some more room to elaborate, the adjectives are a good fit but always having a couple extra sub plots (other then what you have here) is good, and expand more on them... the more you keep away from the main plot (to a certain point) the more tension and excitement builds. In some books they have 1 main plot and 7 sub plots spread through the book, and the sub plots may interrupt the main plot and then another sub plot interrupts this, then the main plot, then you resolve the first sub plot and go into the next sub plot and then main plot again.. Then go on a little further and try it again...

So, good job. Fits well.

I hate centered text, always have, except for chapter headings and such. I'll copy and paste this into a Word doc and read it there. Back in a bit.....

Rather than talk about what this little story needed, I went ahead and rewrote the thing. I kept most of what you originally wrote, only making changes for clarity and story flow. If you want to write Heroic Fantasy, or Sword-and-Sorcery, as it is also sometimes called, I must call your attention to the masters of the genre, Fritz Leiber (I actually met him, years ago), L. Sprague De Camp, Lin Carter, Robert E. Howard, and, of course, Tolkien. For swordplay, there is no better teacher than the movies of Akira Kurosawa. I'd strongly recommend Seven Samurai, Sanjuro, and Yojimbo. There's a good viking movie that will give some aid, too, called The Vikings. Good job, mostly. The errors and other problems are indicative of a first draft.

Conviction Passage
By Deviss

The drumming of hoof beats overtook his mind. The noise was borderline monotonous. He could just barely feel his horse's chest expanding with each inhaled breath and then the following exhale. The mare was calm. How much longer that feeling would have its hold over his horse was another matter.
As the scouts had informed he and Sitara, a sizable group of Baach was on the move. The scouts weren't able to estimate where they were headed but a gathering of this size warranted immediate attention.
He and his partner Sitara, a woman known to him for nearly all of his life, had left five days ago. They had spent three days tracking down the Baach, observing them, gauging their progress and riding ahead so they could find the ideal site for an ambush.
Having found their ambush site beyond a stretch of rolling hills. The hills rolled abruptly forward toward a dense grove of trees. None of the hills were uniform, some as high as their horses' backs and others three times that height. At one far end of the landscape, nestled behind the largest hill, began the grove. That's where he and his partner had elected to hide their mounts.
The pair chose the initial area of attack, a small plain of grassland at the foot of a medium-sized hill right in the middle of the group of hills.
His female companion rested her hand on his shoulder, "You think this is the best place for an attack?"
Placing his hand on her own and casting his gaze around them, he replied, "Don't you?"
A wry grin sprouted on one corner of her face.
His eyes connected with hers.
"This is the only way through for the Baach. Unless they are getting braver and would prefer to risk stumbling over themselves, falling down one of these large hills and risk a broken neck or other appendage." He stated.
Mock coyness creased her brow, enticing him further.
With a small sigh, he continued, "You move around up here and thin them out with your bow while I… introduce myself to them."
Sitara raised her right hand and unslung her willow composite bow. "So you get to have all the fun?"
Remembering how she preferred using swords as opposed to her bow, he laughed, "Of course not. When you feel that you've spent enough arrows, feel free to join me."
With a genuine smile painting her lovely face, she slid her left hand from his shoulder to the coiled bowstring. She quickly unraveled it and hooked the free loop onto the waiting nock.
He fastened his long sword onto the wide leather strap encircling his chest and back.
Once the bow was strung, she laid it on the grass, still sprinkled with morning dew.
After the two of them were pleased with how their weapons were arranged, he took her hands in his own, they both closed their eyes and he spoke in a hushed voice, "Divine One, give us speed and poise for the purpose at hand. Gift our hands with precision and our feet with sureness. Forgive us for the lives we are about to take, however basic they may be. Know our hearts and our belief of these as necessary acts. Amen."
"Amen." She replied, in a hushed tone.
Keeping their hands meshed together they exchanged a wordless glance. For the briefest time he seemed to become lost in her expressive brown eyes. Then time lurched back as the distant clatter of the Baach fell upon their ears.
Their hands dropped to their weapons as they crouched. An observer might note the sure way they moved quietly and quickly through the high grass, leaving not a sign of their passage. This was a mark of the skill that only comes from experience. They neared the peak of the hill. Raising their heads slowly they saw just how large the Baach group was.
"I count twenty." He whispered.
Nodding her head silently, she leaned closer to him and said, "Whatever happens… know that I love you Ledger."
A warm smile spread across his face momentarily and he replied to her statement with a kiss.
Rising to her feet, she grasped the bow tightly in her left hand. Her right hand swung back to the quiver with practiced ease. An errant thought crossed her mind at that moment. _How many Baach have I slain over the years?_ She could not say, she had lost track long ago. Her fingers found two arrows and brought them back to rest between her gloved hand and the bow shaft. Nocking both arrows onto the string she pulled the bowstring back until her thumb graced the corner of her mouth.
At the same time, Ledger rose to his feet. He walked in a crouch down the hill. Once he made it to the halfway point, between the crest of the hill and where the small valley began, Ledger turned his head back to look at his sweet killer Sitara. He nodded.
Upon seeing that, she quickly sighted her target and released her fingers. The arrows leapt from her bow, streaking across the rapidly lightening sky to find their marks in the neck of the lead Baach. He fell backwards with an audible grunt. The high grass was stained with his rust-orange blood.
After seeing their leader suddenly struck down, the remaining Baach snapped their skulls in the direction from where the arrows originated. Roars of acknowledgement and anger clawed their way out from their throats and snarls tore their beastly faces into furious contortions. Their chalky dark grey-skinned hands found weapons and clawed feet found purchase with the ground. They raced along the grassy plain, towards the silver-colored figure draped against the pink skyline.
Sitara's hands worked one their own accord, gripping an arrow, bringing it to rest on the angled bow. Her eyes sought a target. Her fingers loosed her arrow. The wry grin so familiar to Ledger sprang across her face again as she saw her target sink to the ground. She executed this pattern again and again and again, with precision gained from years of deadly practice. Each time she loosed an arrow, a charging Baach sank. More of their blood stained the grass.
Ledger broke cover and charged. He pulled long straight blade from its sheath. Here they came to present themselves to its edge, a thin wall of Baach warriors. Ledger flexed his fingers around the leather-bound hilt.
As the nearest Baach heaved its crude sword in a downward slash, Ledger had already anticipated the movement. Sidestepping the attack, Ledger made two lightning fast slashes, one behind the Baach's knees and the other connecting with its exposed stomach. Before the beast could look down at the torrent of blood spilling from the fresh wound, Ledger drove his blade through the back of its neck.
Wrenching his sword free, another two Baach advanced.
They raised their weapons. Two arrows slammed into their skulls, knocking them off their feet.
A larger Baach swung its huge battle-axe towards Ledger's shoulder and neck. Reacting fast, he rolled underneath the pitted axe head of poorly forged iron and drove his blade into its chest. He bringing his armored left hand up under another creature's jaw, it staggered backwards, stunned. Ledger turned to see a mace being aimed at his head.
He slapped the mace aside with the blade of his sword and propelled his knee into the creature's gut. The Baach dropped the mace. Ledger dropped a hand to the sheath on his belt to draw his dirk. He drove it into the mace-wielder's throat. Letting the now-lifeless corpse sink to the ground, Ledger focused on a large battle-axe-wielding Baach.
One of Sitara's arrows sunk into the chest of the Baach next to the axe wielder. The death of the creature's companion lit a fury its eyes. The Baach locked its hands around the axe handle like a vice.
They both moved towards each other. Weapons moved back, both prepared to deliver a fatal blow. Ledger and the Baach were within an arms length of each other when the beast slashed the massive weapon in Ledger's direction.
Ledger's blade caught the blow in a glancing parry. The axehead slid down the length of his blade in a line of sparks.
The massive Baach drew back for another blow, but Ledger's long, nimble form spun to the side to slash at the creature's throat. The edge found the flesh in a fountain of blood.
Ledger counted the bodies. Sitara had accounted for eight with her bow. She was still perched atop the hill, with her bow drawn back.
Ledger's feet were moving as his eyes came to rest on the five remaining Baach. He tightened his grip on his sword's handle. As he neared the remaining five, they began to spread out, moving to encircle Ledger.
They moved quickly. Each Baach warrior had its eyes fixated on the man who had slain their comrades. Rage was perfectly draped across each hideous face.
Ledger didn't falter. He let his blade dip as he charged them.
The Baach in front swung at Ledger's legs.
He caught up the thing's blade with his own, pushing it up high. He stepped in underneath as he brought his own blade down in a slash across the creature's chest. He pivoted to the right at the next Baach. Ledger brought his weapon's fullered blade up through into the Baach's shoulder with savage force, severing the arm. More blood to greet the day. Ledger turned back to strike at the nearest of the remaining three.
He swung his sword up and parried a downward slash and then another directed towards his legs. It was an old trick taught to him by a man with one arm. He brought the cross-guard of his weapon into the left eye of the attacking Baach. Its shrieks of agony were silenced when Ledger grabbed part of his blade and pulled it to one side, slicing its throat.
Spinning on his heel, Ledger met another Baach blade with his own. They exchanged a few quick parries. An arrow pierced its neck. The last one died with an arrow to its heart. Looking around, Ledger's eyes fell upon two Baach running at Sitara from the side. They had miscounted. Two had crossed to the side of the little valley and were now trying to get to Sitara. He raced after them while shouting a warning for her. He was too far to see her face. She saw him running and turned. The pair of Baach fell upon her. Ledger did not falter, though his heart did. His feet moved as lighting up the grassy hill.
Only when he heard a shout did he stop.
He knew it came from her.
The ice-cold hands of fear seized his heart.
"Sitara!" Ledger shouted.
Ledger dashed up the last section of the hill. He arrived at the hill's top, a great outpouring of relief was there to greet him. Ledger's eyes beheld Sitara, his beloved companion, wrenching her knife from a Baach's neck. The last two Baach were no more. Their corpses sprawled on the ground.
Sitara turned to face her fatigued companion, concern displayed plainly on his blood-smeared face.
"What?" She questioned.
Ledger's eyes darted between her and the two bodies that lay on the ground.
"I was caught up in watching you. They took me by surprise." She spurned the nearest body with her foot. "Though they were no challenge, still was a stupid mistake on my part I won't allow that to happen again." Seeing the pained look on his face, she understood. "Oh you though I was…" She began, speaking in a delicate tone.
They embraced. Ledger held her tightly. She looked up at him and he kissed her forehead. A small smile danced across her face.
"We should get back to the castle and inform the council of this," Sitara stated.
Ledger turned around and looked at the carnage they had wrought. Each of the twenty now-lifeless Baach were sprawled all over the grass plain, some still clutching their weapons. Ledger and Sitara made their way down the hill and retrieved their weapons. They searched the bodies. Ledger found his dirk. Ledger wiped the blade clean and placed it back in its sheath. Sitara was moving from body to body, withdrawing each of the arrows she had expended. Her bow was back on its place on her back, unstrung and resting from its efforts.
Ledger turned to Sitara and said, "Let's find our mounts and get back to the castle. It isn't normal for the Baach to venture this far into the kingdom."
"Exactly," Sitara answered. "Something doesn't feel right about all this."
Leaving the little battlefield, Ledger and Sitara made their way over the hills and back to the forest edge and their mounts.
The ride back to the castle was a quiet one. This was not a portent of good times to come.

Er. I have an undergraduate minor in Creative Writing. It's easy for me to fall back on those habits learned in writing seminars. Never take offense at what I write. It is always my intention to help and aid, nothing more. Good job, Dev.

I'll try to get around to this soon. The authors Frang mentioned are all great ones to look into. I'd like to add Brian Jacques in there, as well as Ted Dekker's Circle Series

@Fox, Redwall ftw...

That is pretty amazing!! I loved it dev!! very talented....keep it up...and keep it coming!! i want to know what happens next

Some of what you wanted to do here would only work in a much longer story. The mystery of who had accompanied Ledger would depend on the characters' interactions previous to this event. That's also why I took out the part about the Baach brute surviving a sword to the chest. It only makes sense if we've seen them or learned about them earlier (two hearts, super regen ability, etc). Ledger's a fine name. If you need a name, you should use a name generator for unusual or unique names. Google lists a bunch of them for just about any fictional genre, name combination, or ethnic name.

Keep writing! We look forward to your next story.

frang wrote:Some of what you wanted to do here would only work in a much longer story. The mystery of who had accompanied Ledger would depend on the characters' interactions previous to this event. That's also why I took out the part about the Baach brute surviving a sword to the chest. It only makes sense if we've seen them or learned about them earlier (two hearts, super regen ability, etc).

Yeah, that's what I had thought of last night while I was going through your revision. Making changes in mine and such. The thing is with this, this is an idea that I got from "Conviction". Now that I've fleshed it out, and had a few Members read it over, I definitely plan on building a Story around this.

Now I'm not sure if I'll use this as an Intro, or drop this in at a later point.

frang wrote:Ledger's a fine name. If you need a name, you should use a name generator for unusual or unique names. Google lists a bunch of them for just about any fictional genre, name combination, or ethnic name.

I'll try that if I need some other, more Fictional Names. I spent yesterday evening typing a List of Male Character Names from a Baby Naming website I've used before. And by "used" I mean just to find the meanings behind certain names.

Deviss™ wrote:Also, Frang, what did you think of the name "Ledger"? I'm going through a Baby Name website, listing all the Names I like or might use.

Hah! I do the same thing

Yeah, for my own characters. I like to have something somewhat uncommon that reflects the character in some way.

Like an albino named Laban, which means white. Or Adrian for a ship's captain, as it means man of the sea

Thank you Mello

Well here's the Final Version (I think):

The drumming of hoof beats overtook his mind. The noise was borderline monotonous. He could just barely feel his horse’s chest expanding with each inhaled breath and then the following exhale. The mare was calm.
As the scouts had informed he and his partner, a sizeable group of Baac was on the move. The scouts weren’t able to estimate where they were headed but a gathering of this size warranted immediate attention.
He and his partner, a woman known to him for nearly all of his life, had left five days ago. They had spent three days tracking down the Baac group, observing them, gauging their progress and riding ahead so they could find the ideal site for an ambush.
After having searched for nearly ten minutes, they found their ambush site; a stretch of rolling hills.
The hills rolled abruptly forward toward a dense grove of trees. None of the hills were uniform, some as high as their horses’ backs and others three times that height. At one far end of the landscape, nestled behind a larger hill, began the grove. That’s where he and his partner had elected to hide their mounts.
Picking their way through the series of rolling hills and subsequent recesses, the pair chose the initial area of attack; a small plain of grassland at the foot of a medium-sized hill, right in the middle of the group of hills.
His female companion rested her hand on his shoulder, “You think this is the best place for an attack?”
Placing his hand on her own and casting his gaze around them, he replied, “Don’t you?”
A wry grin sprouted on one corner of her face.
His eyes connected with hers.
“This is the only way through for the Baac. Unless they are getting braver and would prefer to risk stumbling over themselves, falling down one of these large hills and risk a broken neck or other appendage.” He stated.
Mock coyness creases her brow, enticing him further.
With a small sigh, he continued, “You move around up here and thin them out with your bow while I… introduce myself to them.”
She raised her right hand and unslung her willow composite bow. “So you get to have all the fun?” She asserted.
Remembering how she prefers using swords as opposed to her bow, he quickly recovers, “Of course not. When you feel that you’ve spent enough arrows, feel free to join me.”
With a genuine smile painting her lovely face, she slid her left hand from his shoulder to the bowstring that was woven around the bow itself.
She quickly unraveled it and hooked the free loop onto the waiting knock.
Once the bow was strung, she laid it on the grass, still sprinkled with morning dew.
After the two of them were pleased with how their weapons were arranged, he took her hands in his own, they both closed their eyes and he spoke in a hushed voice, “Heavenly Father, please give us speed and poise for the purpose at hand. Gift our hands with precision and our feet with sureness. Forgive us for the lives we are about to take, however simple they may be. Know our hearts and belief of these as necessary acts. Amen.”
“Amen.” She responded, in a hushed tone.
Keeping their hands meshed together they exchange a wordless glance. For the briefest time he seemed to become lost in her expressive brown eyes. Then time lurched back as the clatter of the approaching Baac fell upon their ears.
Their hands dropped to their weapons as they crouched. An observer might note the sure way they moved quietly and quickly through the high grass, leaving not a sign of their passage. This was a mark of the skill that only comes from experience.
They neared the peak of the hill. Raising their heads slowly they saw just how large the group of Baac was.
“I count twenty.” He whispered.
Nodding her head silently, she leaned closer to him and murmured, “Whatever happens… know that I love you Abel.”
A warm smile spread across his face momentarily and he replies to her statement with a gentle kiss.
Rising to her feet, Sitara grasped the bow tightly in her left hand. Her right hand swung back to the quiver with practiced ease. An errant thought crossed her mind at that moment. “How many Baac have I killed over the years?” She could not say, she had lost track long ago. Her fingers found two arrows and brought them back to rest between her gloved hand and the bow shaft. Nocking both arrows onto the bowstring she drew it back until her thumb graced the corner of her mouth.
At the same time, Abel rose to his feet. He walked down the hill in a crouch. Once he made it to the halfway point, between the crest of the hill and where the small valley began, Abel turned his head back to look at his sweet killer of a companion. He nodded.
Upon seeing that, she quickly sighted her targets and released her fingers. The arrows leapt from her bow, streaking across the rapidly lightening sky and finding their marks in the necks of two of the leading Baac. They collapsed with audible grunts. The high grass was stained with their rust-orange blood.
After seeing two of their comrades suddenly struck down, the remaining Baac snapped their skulls in the direction from where the arrows originated. Roars of acknowledgement and anger clawed their way out from their throats and snarls tore their beastly faces into furious contortions. Chalky grey-skinned hands found weapons and clawed feet found purchase with the ground. They raced along the grassy plain, towards the silver-colored figures draped against the pink skyline.
Sitara’s hands worked one their own accord, gripping an arrow, bringing it to rest on the angled bow. Her eyes sought a target. Her fingers loosed her arrow. The wry grin so familiar to Abel sprang across her face again as she saw her target sink to the ground. She executed this pattern again and again and again, with precision gained from years of practice. Each time she loosed an arrow, a charging Baac sank. More of their blood stained the grass.
Not breaking his stride, Abel moved his hand to the hilt protruding from the left side of his waist. He pulled the long blade from its sheath. Here they came to present themselves to its edge, a thin wall of Baac warriors. Abel flexed his fingers around the leather-bound hilt.
As the nearest Baac heaved its crude sword in a downward slash, Abel had already anticipated the movement. Sidestepping the attack, Abel made two lightning fast slashes, one behind the Baac’s knees and the other connecting with its exposed stomach. Before the beast could look down at the torrent of blood spilling from the fresh wound, Abel drove his blade through the back of its neck.
Wrenching his sword free, another two Baac advanced.
They raised their weapons. Two arrows slammed into their skulls, knocking them off their feet.
A larger Baac swung its huge battle-axe towards Abel’s shoulder and neck. Reacting fast, he rolled underneath the pitted axe head of poorly forged iron and drove his blade into its chest. He brought his armored left hand up under the creature’s jaw, it staggered backwards, stunned. Abel turned to see a mace being aimed at his head.
He slapped the mace aside with the blade of his sword and propelled his knee into the creature’s gut. The Baac dropped the mace. Abel dropped a hand to the sheath on his right calf, pulled the knife free and drove it into the mace-wielder’s throat.
Letting the now-lifeless corpse sink to the ground, Abel focused back on the larger, battle-axe-wielding Baac.
One of Sitara's arrows sunk into the chest of the Baac next to the axe wielder. The death of the creature's companion lit a fury its eyes. The Baac locked its hands around the axe handle like a vice.
They both moved towards each other. Weapons moved back, being prepared to deliver a fatal blow. Abel and the Baac were within an arms length of each other when the beast slashed the massive weapon in Abel’s direction.
Abel's blade caught the blow in a glancing parry. The axe head slid down the length of his blade in a line of sparks.
The massive Baac drew back for another blow, but Abel's long, nimble form spun to the side to slash at the creature's throat. The edge found the flesh in a fountain of blood.
Abel counted the bodies. Sitara had accounted for eight with her bow. She was still perched atop the hill, with her bow drawn back.
Abel’s feet were moving as his eyes came to rest on the five remaining Baac. He tightened his grip on the sword’s handle. As he neared the remaining five, they began to spread out, moving to encircle Abel.
They moved quickly.
Before Ledger realized it, the Baac had encircled him. Each individual Baac warrior had its eyes fixated on the man who had slain their comrades. Rage perfectly draped across each hideous face.
Abel however didn’t falter. He let his blade dip slightly.
The Baac in front swung towards Abel’s legs.
He caught the thing’s weapon with his own, pushing it skyward. Abel forced the Baac’s weapon behind the wielder’s skull. Rapidly, Abel brought his weapon’s fullered blade down into the lower part of the Baac’s neck with savage force. More blood to greet the day. Quickly, Abel pulled his weapon free, causing it to bite deeper into the creature’s flesh.
Abel turned to face two of the remaining three Baac. He swung his sword up and parried a downward slash and then another directed towards his legs. It was a trick taught to him by a man with one arm. Suddenly, Abel brought the cross-guard of his weapon into the left eye of the attacking Baac. Its shrieks of agony were silenced when Abel grabbed part of his blade and pulled it to one side, slicing its throat.
Spinning on his heel, Abel met another Baac blade with his own. They exchanged a few quick parries when, blocking one aimed at his midsection, Abel slid his weapon forward into the Baach’s stomach. The last Baac died with an arrow to the heart.
Grasping the handle with one hand, Abel withdrew his weapon.
Looking around, Abel's eyes fell upon two Baac running at Sitara from the side.
They had miscounted!
Two had crossed to the side of the little valley and were now trying to get to Sitara. He raced after them while shouting a warning for her. He was too far to see her face. She saw him running and turned. The pair of Baac fell upon her. Abel did not falter, though his heart did. His feet moved as lighting up the grassy hill.
Only when he heard a shout did he stop.
He knew it came from her.
The ice-cold hands of fear seized his heart.
“Sitara!” Abel shouted, though his voice was hoarse from battle.
Abel dashed up the last section of the hill.
He arrived at the hill's top; a great outpouring of relief was there to greet him. Abel's eyes beheld Sitara, his beloved companion, wrenching her knife from a Baac's neck.
The last two Baac were no more.
Their corpses sprawled on the ground.
Sitara turned to face her fatigued companion, concern displayed plainly on his blood-smeared face.
“What?” She questioned.
Abel’s eyes darted between her and the two bodies that lay on the ground.
"I was caught up in watching you. They took me by surprise." She spurned the nearest body with her foot. "Though they were no challenge, it still was a stupid mistake on my part. I won't allow that to happen again."
Seeing the pained look on his face, she understood. "Oh you though I was…" She began, speaking in a delicate tone.
They embraced. Abel held her tightly. She looked up at him and he kissed her forehead. A small smile danced across her face.
“We should get back to the castle and inform the council of this,” Sitara stated.
Nodding his agreement, Abel turned around and looked at the carnage they had wrought. Each of the twenty-two now-lifeless Baac were sprawled all over the grass plain, some still clutching their weapons.
Abel and Sitara made their way down the hill and retrieved their weapons. Searching the bodies, Abel finally found his knife. Taking out a section of cloth from his belt, Abel wiped the blade clean and placed it back in its sheath. Switching the rag to the opposite side, Abel did the same with his sword.
Sitara was moving from body to body, withdrawing each of the arrows she had expended. After she had gathered each arrow, Sitara took out a length of cord and tied it around the bundle of arrows. Sitara’s bow was slung on her back, permitting it rest for its efforts.
Abel turned to Sitara and said, “Let’s find our mounts and get back to the castle. It isn’t normal for the Baac to venture this far into the kingdom.”
“Exactly,” Sitara answered, “something doesn’t feel right about all this.”
Leaving the little battlefield, Abel and Sitara made their way over the hills and back to the forest edge and their mounts.
The ride back to the castle was a quiet one. They knew that this was not an indication of good times to come.

As you said Frang, I ended up changing the Male Character's Name from "Ledger" to "Abel". I also ended up just removing the "h" from Baach.

Nice dev. You should publish it when its finished got a talent bro.

I really like it. I'm not an editor or critic of any sort so I have no suggestions but its good.

it was great, and it would probably be a good seller if you publish it. nicely done.